As I have mentioned before I see tumblr as a ill-organised diary, I don’t date my exerts nor do I really mention any time as to when they could be referenced to, I purely use it as a vent for any anguish or slight depression I might have … unfortunately, hence this post, this is a sighting in to another addition to my ever disappointing endeavor to vanquish loss and love.
I Truly did think I may (no, barely even may but ever the optimist) of found a new pursuit in to curing myself, however I know now the once quite raging flames of anticipation, optimism, happiness and satisfaction are just smoldering embers of the blast furnace in my mind, I expected and predicted this, I just thought maybe for once, just maybe I could of caught a break, it seems my punishment must be more severe (<3 Tom Hardy) so, as I type this, refreshing my self of the realisation I’ve failed, my facade weakens and I do feel genuinely sad, which I’d managed to go for so long without, I know everyday can’t be perfect, OBVS i get sad, but when I wanted so much from such a weak and tenuous desire it’s somehow really hit home, even though we had that fucking GREAT night, which I thought went perfectly (ever the optimist) evidently not, maybe my chance didn’t match to the 8’s chance (ahaha) (previous post reference, not even funny) so yeah, I won’t bury the feelings, or lose them, I’ll remain open minded like I always do, but for now, definitely looking at new potential …. besides two nights after I was actually fucking a girl in the Ladies (classy) off my face on Orange Rockstars? whatever the fuck they are and that was intense, we both regretted it we are mates and it was purely the pills but still, I can’t be that hung up about her can I? maybe I’m just feeling ronery, I’ll stop being SUCH A BUTT FUCKING QUITTER and maybe grow back my old pair, only issue is I have no money either to go out with :/ which is a bastard, so even If i wanted to scour the night looking for a quick fix I can’t, think I might be meeting an old fuck buddy on friday though, she lives in Newcastle like so she isn’t far, but she wasn’t even that nice, I just did it because she had bright blue hair (it’s purple now … Clem i nicknamed her) (eternal sunshine of the spotless mind - Jim Carrey & Kate Winslet —-> actually quite good) but I might just go back home, see susan and the gang :) we’ll see … I’ll keep my head up, it’s hard enough
Ooooooh I did join the gym today though, solid back and bi’s session, back is actually fucking wrecking so i’ll probs walk with a hunch until Wednesday, when it’s chest and tri’s and then i’ll walk like, well I won’t ahahaha i’ll be like a snake but with bones and no sense of direction, endlessly wallowing about hopelessly with no cause or direction, just waiting for someone to guide me or take care of me :) I think thats what I’m gutted about the most, the fact I’ve waited so long now for an actual companion … and when it was in within reasonable reach … it shits in my hands and convinces me to clap abidingly like a downs-syndrome seal (bit far) (I’m sorry) (mum) but yeah fuck it, no doubt i’ll go out wednesday … get royally fucked up forget all about tho whole thing, maybe talk to the girl who is in the back of my mind now at 4 in the morning and make a complete tit of my self but hopefully rub off some ever depleting charm.
I don’t know if I care anymore, I even considered asking my dad if I could work full time for him and sack uni off … I didn’t, it would crush him, i know he’s actually proud that I’m here … by and large I’m only really here for him :) anyway I watched Godfather 1 last night so it’s Godfather 2 tonight :)
Joe’s here now, must go
Much Love - Willy xx